#Bellletstalk then #letslisten

January 31^st is designated as Bell Let’s Talk Day this year (https://letstalk.bell.ca/en/bell-lets-talk-day).  I love this initiative that is working at reducing the stigma of mental illness by opening up and encouraging conversations about how it affects so many of us.  

For me, #Bellletstalk is only one half of the whole.  My husband lives with major depression, and has lived with it for most of his adult life.  We will be married for 29 years this year, which means that I have been living “with” depression and mental illness for that long as well, albeit in a supporting role.

I believe the other vital half is #Letslisten.  I am so thankful for the efforts of others to bring awareness of mental illness and by doing so, encouraging those battling mental illness that they’re not alone and to get help and talk about it.  But the flip side is, when they talk, we need to listen.  I mean, really LISTEN … without an agenda, without trying to fix them, without offering platitudes.   Just listen.

 

My husband said recently “I’m a person, not a problem to fix.”  How often do we half-heartedly listen to someone, all the while processing how we will respond and what we should say, without truly hearing what they’re saying and seeing how they’re hurting?  We're focused on what can be said to fix the situation (fix them), instead of trying to hear their heart and hurt.

The times that I was able to have the most impact with my husband and his struggles, were the times I sat and listened, and perhaps asked a couple of questions to help me gain more understanding.   But I mostly listened.    My husband has quite an emotional response at these times … “I feel like I’ve been heard.” 

I know I’ve truly been able to love him best when I’m able to just listen and hear him. Unfortunately, even in nearly 29 years of marriage, I will admit that I haven’t always done a very good job of listening. 

I had coffee recently with a young woman whose husband has been living with anxiety and depression for the past year or so.  She wanted to meet with me to hear my experience as a wife and support for a husband with long-term mental illness.  I felt like I really had nothing to offer her. There’s no magic pill to take or special mantra to be spoken that makes everything better or easier to deal with.  My advice to her was to just listen. Let him know that you’re for him, and with him; that you’re in his corner and walking through this with him.  Listen to him.

As this young woman described to me a little bit about her husband’s struggles and what he was dealing with, I kept thinking how very different his experience was from my husband’s.  I was reminded that mental illness, like any other form of physical ailment, sickness or disease, looks different in each individual. 

 

One person’s experience doesn’t define what mental illness looks like for everyone. This is why it is so very important to talk and encourage those conversations about what’s going on and the internal struggles.  This is why it is so very important to listen to each one, because each person is unique and each needs to be loved and cared for in the best way possible for them.  This is why each one needs to be heard.

#Letslisten