Wedding Daze and Marriage

“Mawwiage. Mawwiage is what bwings us togethew today. Mawwiage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam within a dweam. And wove, twue wove, wiww fowwow you fowevah and evah… So tweasuwe youw wove.”

Translation (for those not familiar with The Princess Bride): 

“Marriage.  Marriage is what brings us together today.  Marriage, that blessed arrangement, that dream within a dream.  And love, true love, will follow you forever and ever … So treasure your love.”

Photo Credit: Emily Foster Photography

It would seem this year, 2015, is a favourable year to get married for four of our nieces and nephews.   We made the un-happy, difficult decision not to travel to any of the weddings, as each of them were/are out of province.  We just don't have enough air miles saved up for any of the air-fare, hotel, or car rental costs required for one or all of us to travel to one or all of these weddings. 

Pictures are starting to be posted online for my nieces’ weddings out east, and I am thoroughly enjoying the glimpses they offer into the wedding day.  

I find that engaged couples these days are really quite creative when planning their wedding day, whether it’s with their invitations (no more ordering stock invitations from a catalogue at the printers), or engagement photo shoots, to decorations for the ceremony and the reception, or production of wedding videos. 

I love how couples make their special day their day; infusing their wedding day with their own personalities, preferences and character, making the wedding day even more memorable because it mirrors who they are.

It was 26+ years ago, when I was engaged and planning our wedding (yes, boys, we had weddings in the “stone age”, as you so fondly refer to my youth).  On occasion I’ve wondered, if I could do it over again, would I change anything?  The music?  The setting?   Maybe the food served at the reception in order to have gluten free options.  I certainly wouldn't switch out the groom – he’s with me to stay (whether he likes it or not). 

After the wedding day has come and gone, married life certainly doesn’t follow a cookie-cutter template, as each new family unit has its own dynamics.   Every couple has different bumps in the road to navigate – for some, their issues are like minor speed bumps, but for others, the challenges feel more like land mines.

I'm not sure what kind of marital advice I could offer my nieces and nephews and their new spouses.  I have to laugh when mothers offer all kinds of words of knowledge and experience to younger pregnant women ... as if all pregnancies and babies are the same.  Similarly, my experiences as an older, married woman are based on my marriage and are unique to me.  Just like babies, no two marriages are the same.

So what words can I offer?  These.

Love always.  You may not always be in like, but choose to love always and deeply.

I Corinthians 13:4-7

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.  It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.  Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Extend grace.  There are times when mistakes are made, misunderstandings are had, and life is difficult, but grace doesn't focus on the negatives.  Extending grace means choosing to support, honour and forgive in spite of the other's shortcomings and not demanding change.  Grace is not easy to define or live out sometimes!

Laugh often.  No further explanation needed.  26 years later and Eric and I still laugh at the same silly jokes.

My hope and prayer for my nieces and nephews, and their new spouses, is that they embrace married life with the same creativity, personality and character that made their wedding day so special, and that the challenges of life would be met head on together with love, grace and laughter.  Two have become one, woven together by the One who loves them so perfectly.

A Tribute to The Car

It is with great sadness, albeit also with a measure of relief, that we announce the final demise of “The Car”.  

I refer to the vehicle as "The Car" because I'm never sure if it is pronounced "A-cura" or "Acu-ra".  Maybe that was a sign of things to come that we should've paid closer attention to.  Note to self:  If you're going to buy something, make sure you can pronounce the name of it correctly. 

The Car was only with us on our driveway a short while, although it had experienced many miles with its previous owner(s).  The actual date of initial ignition is rather indeterminate, but is estimated at 1999.

The inner workings of The Car began to shut down not long after The Car took up residence on our driveway.   Despite our best hopes for a cheap and speedy recovery, we were advised that it’s just not viable, or economical, to restore The Car to its former functionality.

The Car was a beloved vehicle of my son Corey, who was only really able to enjoy The Car for a few short months before the beginnings of its transmissional woes.   We had no idea at the time of acquisition the full extent of The Car’s “lemon-ness”.

The final resting place for The Car is yet to be determined.  We are hopeful those final arrangements will be in the capable hands of Teen Challenge.

I’m trying to make light of the fact that the repairs this car needed in order to get it running and roadworthy were almost as much as what was paid for it a year ago.  The purchase of this car appeared to be such a good idea at the time, but things started going wrong with it very quickly.  

What really ticks me off is that we bought The Car through the mechanic who had been fixing our van for a couple of years and who we thought was a pretty stand-up guy.  I actually feel like quite an idiot for being so trusting!  I can only hope our next experience buying a used car will be much different! 

The first car Corey bought was through a Kijiji ad and the business enterprise selling the car also operated a delivery pizza service.  At the time, we came home with a new-to-us Subaru Legacy and large pepperoni pizza.  Sad to say, but we had better luck with that Subaru from a pizza joint, than with The Car through a licensed mechanic.

I've gone through the whole gamut of emotions on this one: anger for feeling like we were duped; shame for feeling like we were duped; back to more anger for not taking a stand and dealing with The Car's issues sooner; and back to more shame for being timid and not taking a stand and dealing with The Car's issues sooner.   Okay, mostly anger and shame, but a vicious cycle nonetheless.

But what's done is done, and there's no going back for a do-over.  Life just isn't like that.  Hopefully we can learn from our mistakes and errors in judgment, forgive where necessary, and make better choices the next time.

Corey gave a draft of this blog post a read-through.  His take-away?  People may not always be trustworthy, but God is.  Wise deduction from my son.  We're always going to be disappointed by people and circumstances - that's just a part of the human experience.  

But I believe that God is faithful.  He will not disappoint.  Those words may seem like religious cliches to some, but it's been my experience.  

Our finances have been tight the last number of years, and we've had difficulty keeping our heads above water, never mind getting ahead.  What's the saying?  Just when you think you can make ends meet, the ends move.  Seems to be the story of our life.  

So the whole thing with The Car just seems to amplify our financial situation, or lack of finances, especially now that we're 5 licensed drivers juggling the use of one vehicle.  The sad truth is that there's just no funds in the coffers for a second vehicle.  The three oldest boys are doing their best to finance their university educations, but it leaves little savings for a vehicle.

I've often prayed and asked God for some measure of financial relief.  I'd love to not be stressful and anxious about how I'm going to feed my family and pay all the bills.  But then I wonder:  if we had more than enough money, would I need God as much? 

There are some days I look at the bank account and see all the bills that were paid, and the extra things like the boys' sports that were paid for, or unforeseen repairs or major purchases that popped up, and I am amazed that we somehow managed to cover it all.   At the end of the day, we don't seem to have much left over, but we almost always have enough.   I believe that's God taking care of our needs.  

I may not always understand why life happens the way it does, but I will continue to proclaim that in all of it, for me, God is good, God is trustworthy, and He loves me.

Jeremiah 29:11-13: 

For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord.  They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.  In those days when you pray, I will listen.  You will find me when you seek me, if you look for me in earnest.

Romans 5:3-5:

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance.  And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation.  And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us ... 

At long last ... Words

So apparently my last blog post was from nearly a year ago, August 28, 2014.  Since then I have started so many posts in my head, but at the end of the day, those thoughts and musings just never made it down on paper, or rather to the screen.

To update that last post of nearly a year ago, my youngest son recently passed his road test so now has his license allowing him by law to drive a vehicle on his own.  Actually, he's a fairly decent driver.  I just have to turn the volume down on the radio and adjust the seat every time I get in the vehicle after he's driven it.  Small inconveniences to me for his growth towards independence.

I'm trying to think exactly why I've hesitated to write down those many blog posts that I've started in my head.  It could be because I've often lacked confidence in the validity of my own opinions.  Just ask my husband about that one.  I think I've become much better at standing my ground, but earlier in our marriage I caved pretty easily.

Many of the issues I've been internally debating and ruminating about have been hot-button topics in the news and on social media. I haven't written about any of those issues as I have no desire to be skewered alive by people who may not share my opinion and aren't open to hearing another point of view.  I'm happy to "agree to disagree" and I don't need to be right.  But social media these days can be downright mean!  Frankly, it's a scary prospect for me to be somewhat vulnerable and publish my thoughts and words.   Is it just me, or do people seem to think it's OK to abuse others with their comments and tweets while they hide behind their avatars?  What has happened to respect?  When did it become more acceptable to disrespect?

Just because I may have a different point of view than you, doesn't make me wrong, nor does it make you right.  It just means I see things from a different perspective.  There appear to be few avenues for real conversation, a respectful back and forth discussion of beliefs and values, especially via social media.   Each side of an issue represents so adamantly that they are right and the other is wrong and there is very little grace for the other point of view.

I have been, and continue to be, challenged:  challenged to sort out where I stand on an issue and why I believe what I believe; challenged to be open to see someone else's viewpoint, especially when it differs from mine; challenged to be gracious and loving when I don't completely agree or share their viewpoint.

I think too that another reason why my thoughts and musings haven't translated into writings  over the last year is because I place a value on the words that I write.  I believe that written words can be a powerful tool, and there are consequences when words are used to intentionally hurt and malign.

My goal for this blog isn't just to put words out there so I can hear the sound of my own voice, so to speak.  I don't want to post words willy-nilly, without much thought or deliberation.  My heart is to put words on the page that would be encouraging, edifying and redemptive to those who read them.  My heart is to honour God with my words.

Psalm 19:14Contemporary English Version (CEV)

Let my words and my thoughts be pleasing to you, Lord,

    because you are my mighty rock and my protector.

Driver's Ed

It would seem that the days of driving kids around are over.  Now I am the one being chauffeured, which might be more pleasant if I could recline in the back seat and pretend the driver is a real chauffeur.   However the Highway Traffic Act demands that I sit in the front passenger seat while my novice driver continues to learn the rules of the road and how to operate a moving vehicle safely.

Of my four sons, the last two are still learners, although my youngest is practically counting the days until he can take his road test.  While he drives me around, he chatters on about how “when I have my license ...”, and finishes the phrase with statements like “... I won’t just go the speed limit” or “...I’d like to have a racing motorcycle”.  Yeah, not really the things a mother wants to hear.

Each one of my boys is so different, and I find it interesting that their driving style in some ways reflects their personality.   We joked around one day that my oldest, who is quite similar to me in many ways, also drives like me, while Son #2 drives like his father.    Son #3 is more hesitant and passive, which is probably why he still has his learner’s permit two years later, and the youngest, in typical scrappy fight-for-everything-because-I’m-the-little-brother fashion, will get behind the wheel whenever he can, even if it means going grocery shopping or running errands with me.

Sitting in the passenger seat certainly challenges my communication skills.  It’s not just the words used, but also the tone and volume.   Affirmation is key.

Sitting in the passenger seat also means giving up a certain amount of control.  I’ve never considered myself a “control freak”, but I’m realizing that I like being the one behind the wheel.

This isn’t just an education for the boys, learning how to drive, but it is a learning experience for me too.  I am learning how to release them as they grow and mature, and I am flexing my trust muscles, trusting that when the time comes and they are behind the wheel on their own, literally and figuratively, that they would be wise and make good choices.

Life is like a Merry-Go-Round ...

Recently we learned of the tragic passing of Robin Williams, and as a result, there have been numerous articles and items circulating on social media trying to raise awareness of mental illness and depression.   I have only read through a few of those many articles, as I am quite aware of what depression looks like.  Up close and personal.  Not me personally, but my husband Eric. 

Eric has been battling depression for most of his adult life, and it feels like a constant merry-go-round (with a little less of the “merry” ... really just a “go-round”).    It’s not just a “go-round” for Eric, trying to plod his way through every day, but it’s a “go-round” for me too, praying and hoping for wholeness and healing.   But this is what life looks like for us, every day.  This is our “normal”. 

We were all around the supper table one evening last week and Eric tried to start a conversation with our sons about depression and suicide in the wake of Robin Williams’ death.  He apologized for not being able to do regular family things with the boys, like going on family camping trips, or taking them out golfing.  Our youngest son had a perplexed sort of look on his face and commented, “But we’ve never known anything different”.

   

I hope my sons know how tough their Dad is, to keep pressing on through life, even when most days he would rather just curl up in a ball and block out the world.  Eric sees himself as weak, but his perspective is skewed by his depression.  Eric’s depression shouts out to him that he is useless and a failure and depression doesn’t allow much ground for truth, the truth that he is loved, wanted and valued, to take root and grow.

I wasn’t aware that this is what life would look like for us when I walked down the aisle and said “I do” just over 25 years ago.  But I knew then, and I still know now, that Eric is who God has partnered me with on our journey through life.  I don’t know that I would have understood how important prayer is, or who God is for me, had I not been on this life path with Eric.

I will still continue to pray for wholeness and healing for Eric, and I will continue to have grace for him to be in the space he’s in, and I will continue to try and sow those seeds of truth.   But in the middle of it all, I will hold on (hang tight!) to my God, who is my strength, my refuge, and my hope.

Psalm 62 has always been one of my most favorite psalms, even before I met Eric:

¹ I wait quietly before God,
    for my victory comes from him.
² He alone is my rock and my salvation,
    my fortress where I will never be shaken.

⁵ Let all that I am wait quietly before God,
    for my hope is in him.
⁶ He alone is my rock and my salvation,
    my fortress where I will not be shaken.
⁷ My victory and honor come from God alone.
    He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me.
⁸ O my people, trust in him at all times.
    Pour out your heart to him,
    for God is our refuge.

Speak softly ... and pray.

My husband and I have been blessed with four sons.  Our oldest will be turning 22 soon, and the others are aged 20, 18 and nearly-16.  I really don’t consider myself old enough to have kids those ages! 

We’ve just passed another milestone in our family, with Son #3 having graduated from high school this past June.  He will be starting University in the fall, joining his two older brothers who are also in post-secondary education.  We just have one more son to finish high school, but it doesn’t seem like that long ago that Son #1 started kindergarten.  Gone are the days when I was asked “Why?” over and over again until the only answer I could come up with in order to put a stop to their endless queries was either “because I said so” or “because I’m your mother”.    Needless to say, I can't use those answers anymore.

Mothering the boys used to be fairly simple when they were younger; lay out the groundwork for what was expected of them, such as honesty, kindness and loving one another, and anticipate obedience.  As they grow older and mature into young men who are learning to live independently, I have to trust that the groundwork laid out for them when they were small is still significant and made enough of an impact to continue to guide their choices.

 “Speak softly and carry a big stick” is a proverbial saying generally attributed to U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt, describing a foreign policy that involved negotiation (speaking softly) and being able to back up your position with force (big stick) if necessary.

As parents, and as a mother, I think we have operated this way often with our boys.  We have talked about and discussed issues and problems with the boys (speaking softly), and if necessary, we backed it up with a bit of “big stick” force.  Thankfully, we didn’t need to pull out the “big stick” (more like a wooden spoon, really) often with our boys.

As our boys have grown older, the looming threat of the “big stick” has disappeared and it really isn’t an option or a useful tool anymore.  Now my policy is more “Speak softly ... and pray”.  I am finding it more important to choose my words, and the timing of them, wisely, and then backing it up with prayer instead of the big stick.  My experience has been that prayer accomplishes so much more.

And as they grow older and become more independent, my relationship with them as their mother is also changing and evolving.  They still know that I am here for them if they need advice, food, money, etc., but I feel I am gradually becoming more of a resource than a source, and I’m OK with that.

Speak softly ... and pray. 

Now is the winter of our discontent ...

“Now is the winter of our discontent” were words penned by William Shakespeare in Richard III. 

That phrase, “winter of our discontent”, has been roiling around in my head for a couple of weeks, probably because it certainly seems to sum up the winter we have had, especially here in Winnipeg.  It has been 5 long months of cold temperatures and snow, and I think I can safely say many (if not all) of us have been discontented and discouraged by the duration of our winter season.

I took this picture of our backyard on April 1, 2014.   It's not an April Fool's joke - that's really how much snow we still have in our yard that needs to melt.  For a point of reference, the trampoline frame in the picture is at least 3 feet high.

Shakespeare followed up the words "Now is the winter of our discontent" with “made glorious summer by this sun of York”.  The “winter of our discontent”, the harsh cold realities of life, are remedied, or “made glorious summer”, by the “sun of York” and according to all the Internet notes I read on Richard III, Shakespeare's intent by those words was to communicate that the time of unhappiness is past. Shakespeare’s reference to “sun of York” was more of a comment on the person of Richard III than a weather forecast.

  

But winter will be “made glorious summer” eventually.  And my fellow ‘Peggers better not complain about the summer heat (when and if it comes!).  

There always seems to be something to be discontented about.

·         The weather ... if only it would warm up; if only the snow would melt; if only  spring would finally come ...

·         Finances ... if only we could pay off that bill; if only we could get ahead; if only we could win the lottery ..

·         Job situation ... if only he had a different job; if only I would be paid more ...

·         Self-image ... if only I could style my hair like the hairdresser does; if only I could lose some weight; if only I could be disciplined enough to exercise ...

What does contentment look like? 

Will all the ducks ever be lined up so that we are content in our circumstances?  Not likely.

I have been reminded and encouraged in a number of different ways lately that despite our circumstances, God wants me to worship Him;  to have a grateful heart;  to wake up in the morning and say “This is the day the Lord has made, and I will rejoice and be glad in it.”  (Psalm 118:24)

Perhaps being content in our circumstances is a choice to be made.  I will choose to love God and trust Him for all my needs.

To borrow from Shakespeare:  Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer ... by the Son of God and His great love for me.

Philippians 4:4,6-9,11-13

New Living Translation (NLT)

⁴ Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice

⁶ Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. ⁷ Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

⁸  ... Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. ⁹ Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.

¹¹ ... I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. ¹² I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. ¹³ For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.