Life is like a Merry-Go-Round ...

Recently we learned of the tragic passing of Robin Williams, and as a result, there have been numerous articles and items circulating on social media trying to raise awareness of mental illness and depression.   I have only read through a few of those many articles, as I am quite aware of what depression looks like.  Up close and personal.  Not me personally, but my husband Eric. 

Eric has been battling depression for most of his adult life, and it feels like a constant merry-go-round (with a little less of the “merry” ... really just a “go-round”).    It’s not just a “go-round” for Eric, trying to plod his way through every day, but it’s a “go-round” for me too, praying and hoping for wholeness and healing.   But this is what life looks like for us, every day.  This is our “normal”. 

We were all around the supper table one evening last week and Eric tried to start a conversation with our sons about depression and suicide in the wake of Robin Williams’ death.  He apologized for not being able to do regular family things with the boys, like going on family camping trips, or taking them out golfing.  Our youngest son had a perplexed sort of look on his face and commented, “But we’ve never known anything different”.

   

I hope my sons know how tough their Dad is, to keep pressing on through life, even when most days he would rather just curl up in a ball and block out the world.  Eric sees himself as weak, but his perspective is skewed by his depression.  Eric’s depression shouts out to him that he is useless and a failure and depression doesn’t allow much ground for truth, the truth that he is loved, wanted and valued, to take root and grow.

I wasn’t aware that this is what life would look like for us when I walked down the aisle and said “I do” just over 25 years ago.  But I knew then, and I still know now, that Eric is who God has partnered me with on our journey through life.  I don’t know that I would have understood how important prayer is, or who God is for me, had I not been on this life path with Eric.

I will still continue to pray for wholeness and healing for Eric, and I will continue to have grace for him to be in the space he’s in, and I will continue to try and sow those seeds of truth.   But in the middle of it all, I will hold on (hang tight!) to my God, who is my strength, my refuge, and my hope.

Psalm 62 has always been one of my most favorite psalms, even before I met Eric:

¹ I wait quietly before God,
    for my victory comes from him.
² He alone is my rock and my salvation,
    my fortress where I will never be shaken.

⁵ Let all that I am wait quietly before God,
    for my hope is in him.
⁶ He alone is my rock and my salvation,
    my fortress where I will not be shaken.
⁷ My victory and honor come from God alone.
    He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me.
⁸ O my people, trust in him at all times.
    Pour out your heart to him,
    for God is our refuge.

Speak softly ... and pray.

My husband and I have been blessed with four sons.  Our oldest will be turning 22 soon, and the others are aged 20, 18 and nearly-16.  I really don’t consider myself old enough to have kids those ages! 

We’ve just passed another milestone in our family, with Son #3 having graduated from high school this past June.  He will be starting University in the fall, joining his two older brothers who are also in post-secondary education.  We just have one more son to finish high school, but it doesn’t seem like that long ago that Son #1 started kindergarten.  Gone are the days when I was asked “Why?” over and over again until the only answer I could come up with in order to put a stop to their endless queries was either “because I said so” or “because I’m your mother”.    Needless to say, I can't use those answers anymore.

Mothering the boys used to be fairly simple when they were younger; lay out the groundwork for what was expected of them, such as honesty, kindness and loving one another, and anticipate obedience.  As they grow older and mature into young men who are learning to live independently, I have to trust that the groundwork laid out for them when they were small is still significant and made enough of an impact to continue to guide their choices.

 “Speak softly and carry a big stick” is a proverbial saying generally attributed to U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt, describing a foreign policy that involved negotiation (speaking softly) and being able to back up your position with force (big stick) if necessary.

As parents, and as a mother, I think we have operated this way often with our boys.  We have talked about and discussed issues and problems with the boys (speaking softly), and if necessary, we backed it up with a bit of “big stick” force.  Thankfully, we didn’t need to pull out the “big stick” (more like a wooden spoon, really) often with our boys.

As our boys have grown older, the looming threat of the “big stick” has disappeared and it really isn’t an option or a useful tool anymore.  Now my policy is more “Speak softly ... and pray”.  I am finding it more important to choose my words, and the timing of them, wisely, and then backing it up with prayer instead of the big stick.  My experience has been that prayer accomplishes so much more.

And as they grow older and become more independent, my relationship with them as their mother is also changing and evolving.  They still know that I am here for them if they need advice, food, money, etc., but I feel I am gradually becoming more of a resource than a source, and I’m OK with that.

Speak softly ... and pray. 

Now is the winter of our discontent ...

“Now is the winter of our discontent” were words penned by William Shakespeare in Richard III. 

That phrase, “winter of our discontent”, has been roiling around in my head for a couple of weeks, probably because it certainly seems to sum up the winter we have had, especially here in Winnipeg.  It has been 5 long months of cold temperatures and snow, and I think I can safely say many (if not all) of us have been discontented and discouraged by the duration of our winter season.

I took this picture of our backyard on April 1, 2014.   It's not an April Fool's joke - that's really how much snow we still have in our yard that needs to melt.  For a point of reference, the trampoline frame in the picture is at least 3 feet high.

Shakespeare followed up the words "Now is the winter of our discontent" with “made glorious summer by this sun of York”.  The “winter of our discontent”, the harsh cold realities of life, are remedied, or “made glorious summer”, by the “sun of York” and according to all the Internet notes I read on Richard III, Shakespeare's intent by those words was to communicate that the time of unhappiness is past. Shakespeare’s reference to “sun of York” was more of a comment on the person of Richard III than a weather forecast.

  

But winter will be “made glorious summer” eventually.  And my fellow ‘Peggers better not complain about the summer heat (when and if it comes!).  

There always seems to be something to be discontented about.

·         The weather ... if only it would warm up; if only the snow would melt; if only  spring would finally come ...

·         Finances ... if only we could pay off that bill; if only we could get ahead; if only we could win the lottery ..

·         Job situation ... if only he had a different job; if only I would be paid more ...

·         Self-image ... if only I could style my hair like the hairdresser does; if only I could lose some weight; if only I could be disciplined enough to exercise ...

What does contentment look like? 

Will all the ducks ever be lined up so that we are content in our circumstances?  Not likely.

I have been reminded and encouraged in a number of different ways lately that despite our circumstances, God wants me to worship Him;  to have a grateful heart;  to wake up in the morning and say “This is the day the Lord has made, and I will rejoice and be glad in it.”  (Psalm 118:24)

Perhaps being content in our circumstances is a choice to be made.  I will choose to love God and trust Him for all my needs.

To borrow from Shakespeare:  Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer ... by the Son of God and His great love for me.

Philippians 4:4,6-9,11-13

New Living Translation (NLT)

⁴ Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice

⁶ Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. ⁷ Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

⁸  ... Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. ⁹ Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.

¹¹ ... I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. ¹² I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. ¹³ For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. 

I’m with you.

I’ve written before about my husband Eric and his trudging through life with depression.  According to dictionary.com, "trudging" is a blend of "tread" and "drudge", which I guess could then be defined as the hard work of walking.  Because Eric has been living with depression on a daily basis for so much of his life, I don't know that he is even sure what life without depression would be like or feel like.

Circumstances keep challenging his emotional well-being.  Actually, life in general challenges his emotional well-being.  He’s working really hard to try and make ends meet financially for our family, but as the saying goes, “Just when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.” 

Last week the truck was in the shop for another major repair, so he was home for the week.  I’m not going to lie ... I love having my husband at home, but I kind of like it when he’s gone too.  The house stays so much neater.

 

One of the best things we did when he was home was sit down and talk to each other about where he was at emotionally, how we were doing with it and how we could help each other in the midst of it.  That’s a positive exercise to do any time, but it was really helpful for us to talk like this at the beginning of his time at home.  Nothing was left to stew and marinade in sour juices for days and days, the product of misunderstood expectations.

The key thing that Eric told me was, “I need to know you’re with me.”  It was a good reminder for me.  I often just assume that he knows it, after all I’m pretty sure our wedding vows covered this kind of thing ... “in sickness and in health, whether rich or poor ...”   I know I'm committed to him, no matter what comes our way, but speaking words of life and love and faithfulness out loud have power.

So lately I’ve made a conscious effort to speak the words out loud to Eric.  “I’m with you.”  We’re in this thing called life together, and even when it’s tough slugging, I’m not going to bail.  “I’m with you.”

Another has made that vow to us as well.  And in those times when I do struggle with being there for Eric, I know that the Almighty is there for me.

Isaiah 41:10:

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.

    Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you.

    I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

Matthew 28:20:

... And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.

Buddy System

It’s nearing the middle of January of a new year and people are either getting into the routine of accomplishing their New Year’s Resolutions, or perhaps they are already nearing the point of abandonment.  My resolutions for a new year are always the same every year, and I continue to attempt to accomplish these same goals at fairly regular intervals throughout the year.   My resolutions are similar to those of countless others:  lose “x” number of pounds as well as exercise more and get in shape.  The value of “x” seems to keep increasing with every attempt.

I’m hopeful that perhaps this year might be different. 

This past Christmas while our son Brendan was home for the holidays, he shared an article he found entitled “This is Your Brain on Gluten” written by James Hamblin.  It’s a lengthy article, but he writes about different discoveries and observations by certain doctors and scientists about the effects of gluten on the body physically and emotionally.  My husband Eric was quite interested in the article and a book it referenced, particularly as it seemed to find a correlation between gluten and emotional health. 

I believe Eric had a glimmer of hope that if he could make a lifestyle change and eat differently, perhaps he would experience improved emotional health. 

The article and book espoused a paleo diet, which has been described as the caveman diet.  Simply put, you can eat whatever the cavemen, as hunters and gatherers ate:  meat, vegetables, fruits, seeds and nuts.  No wheat, no grains, no sugar. 

Brendan has been eating a paleo diet, although not in strict observance, for over a year and is quite committed to its benefits.  Since I am celiac and have had to be on a gluten-free diet for the past 15 years, I figure I’m basically half-way to paleo. 

   

So this year, Eric is making a concerted effort to eat paleo and to be as strict and disciplined about it as he is able.   Being a long-distance truck driver makes it a little bit of a challenge, but his little slow cooker is his new best friend in the truck.  He even made his own beef jerky this past week.

The other night I made a paleo meal for the whole family.  A spinach garden salad with chicken (chicken recipe here:  http://www.paleorecipesworld.com/paleo-chick-fil-a-recipe/).  I used boneless chicken thighs and had about 50+ pieces of chicken.  And absolutely no leftovers.     I’ll be making this recipe again!

Eric made a comment the other day that he wished he would have been more supportive back when I was diagnosed as celiac and started eating gluten-free.  I believe he was realizing that it is much easier to accomplish these kinds of lifestyle changes when you have the support of someone else.  A “buddy system” is a good system and works because you’ve got someone walking alongside you that holds you accountable. 

When I started on my gluten free diet, I was in the last trimester of my 4^th pregnancy.  It wasn’t just about changing my diet at that point.  I was preoccupied with having a new baby and looking after baby’s 3 older brothers.   I took care of feeding the family first, and then made myself whatever was gluten free, quick and easy.   I didn’t always make healthy choices (milk chocolate is gluten free, but not really a good choice).  15 years ago, gluten free options weren’t what they are today! 

 

When I started on my gluten free diet, a buddy would have been helpful to have.

I am hopeful that this year, Eric and I can make healthy lifestyle choices together.   I will be his buddy.  I believe he wants to be mine too.

In the bleak midwinter ...

“In the bleak midwinter” ...  I heard this Christmas song over the radio this past week and it kind of stayed with me.  Not all of it, mind you, as unfortunately the only words I can remember are “In the bleak midwinter”...  I do know the last verse of the song though:

What can I give Him, poor as I am?

If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb;

If I were a Wise Man, I would do my part;

Yet what I can I give Him: give my heart.

This last verse has always been a favorite of mine.  I actually thought it was a song on its own and only just recently realized that it is the last verse of the song"In the Bleak Midwinter", actually penned as a poem long ago by Christina Rossetti.

But this year, I’m having a hard time getting past “in the bleak midwinter”, as that’s sort of how life feels right now.  Bleak.  Cold.  Winter. 

I seem to be stuck in my own bleak midwinter, but the truth is, in that bleak midwinter long ago, God of Heaven came down, the Lord God Almighty, Jesus Christ.   He didn't come to a palace, or a top-notch hospital, befitting the birth of a King, but to a lowly stable, surrounded by hay and animals.  

And in my own bleak midwinter, the Lord God Almighty, Jesus Christ, wants to enter in and reign.  He doesn't care about the mess and disorder in my life.  He's been there before; he's been in the lowly stable.

In my bleak midwinter, I wonder what I have to offer the King of Kings.  In my weariness and the aches and pains of life, it feels like I have absolutely nothing in the well and the reserves are running on empty.  

What can I give Him?  What do I have to offer?  Nothing, really.  And yet, He loves me and wants to live with me and have a relationship with me.  All He wants from me is my heart.

So what can I give Him?  I choose to give Him my heart.   And in doing that, I will trust Him to walk with me through my bleak midwinter.  

In the bleak midwinter

BY CHRISTINA ROSSETTI; Music: Cranham, Gus­tav T. Holst

In the bleak midwinter, frosty wind made moan,

Earth stood hard as iron, water like a stone;

Snow had fallen, snow on snow, snow on snow,

In the bleak midwinter, long ago.

Our God, Heaven cannot hold Him, nor earth sustain;

Heaven and earth shall flee away when He comes to reign.

In the bleak midwinter a stable place sufficed

The Lord God Almighty, Jesus Christ.

Enough for Him, whom cherubim, worship night and day,

Breastful of milk, and a mangerful of hay;

Enough for Him, whom angels fall before,

The ox and ass and camel which adore.

Angels and archangels may have gathered there,

Cherubim and seraphim thronged the air;

But His mother only, in her maiden bliss,

Worshipped the beloved with a kiss.

What can I give Him, poor as I am?

If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb;

If I were a Wise Man, I would do my part;

Yet what I can I give Him: give my heart.

A Season of Hope – Part II

Lately I have been clinging to hope like it’s a safety rope.  Hope, as in I hope that my truck-driving husband gets back on the road and gets some good miles under his belt so we can pay the bills.  Or I hope that my furnace keeps heating and makes it through the winter ... without any more repair bills.

This past week, apparently God needed to shake up my “hope” and re-focus it. 

The good news is that my husband got back out on the road and got a long trip to Florida.  The bad news is that he had mechanical issues with the truck that needed repair and spent 3 days waiting in Georgia for the truck to be fixed.  Thankfully he’s back on the road.

It was good news when the furnace repair tech that came out a week ago got my furnace working again.  The bad news was that when the fellow came to clean the furnace this past Thursday, he discovered it wasn’t working again.  Thankfully a new furnace was installed on Friday.  That’s actually very good news, especially with the cold temperatures we’re having right now!

I had been clinging to hopes that were intertwined with my fears.  That’s not really hope at all, but more like desperation. 

In the words of a classic hymn I grew up with,

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness. 
I dare not trust the sweetest frame, 
But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand, 
All other ground is sinking sand; 
All other ground is sinking sand.

My hope shouldn’t be on anything or anyone; not that truck, my husband or the furnace repair guy.   My hope needs to be grounded on who Jesus is and His great love and care for me. 

Psalm 25:5 says "Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me.  All day long I put my hope in you."

The focus for the second week of Advent varies depending on the denomination and liturgy, but “Preparation” follows “Hope”.  It’s not a “getting ready” by shopping, wrapping and baking, but a preparation of the heart to celebrate Jesus during this season of hope, love and peace.

My preparation already started last week when we had obstacles and difficulties come our way with the truck and the furnace.  It seemed that every day I was reminded in small ways to be thankful in all circumstances and to have a heart of praise even when I wanted to cry in despair.  I chose to thank God for taking care of us, and believed He would.

My Hope is Jesus, and I will continue to make my heart ready to celebrate Him this season with thanksgiving and praise.

We may not have a lot of gifts under the tree this year, but we will be together as a family, sharing in the gifts of love that we have for each other.  And with our newly installed furnace, we will be warm!